The Way We Live Now
by VervainAndRoses
Summary: Elena Gilbert, a troubled teenager with a bad attitude, gets herself shipped off to Summer Camp. There she meets Stefan, a kind hearted man who makes things suddenly not look so bad. Will he be able to reach out to her or is she too far gone? AU All human
1. Numb

_I've become so numb, I can't feel you there/Become so tired, so much more aware  
I'm becoming this, all I want to do/Is be more like me and be less like you_

_._

_._

_._

_We need to talk_

Grayson has said these words many times to her daughter, but right now she really doesn't know what she did to deserve a lecture. She hasn't been smoking in the house. She hasn't braked anything in…far too long. And even if she did do something, what could the old man do to her anyways? Bore her to death? He can't ground her. If he makes her stay in her room she'll just escape. Cancel her credit cards? Like she uses them anyways, the only money she needs is for her dealer and he doesn't do Visa.

Elena tiredly walks down the halls to her dad's studio. Purposely avoiding to look at the photos lining the walls. She entertains her hands with her waist length, black-dyed hair, she's done and undone a braid three times before she gets to the black double doors and pushes them , not even bothering to knock.

"What now?" she asks him, crossing her arms on her chest. Grayson, his light brown hair contrasting with his soft blue eyes, looks at her from underneath his glasses. He's sitting at his huge mahogany desk signing some papers. It bothers her. The sound his pen makes, his attitude, this room.

"Please sit down" he gestures to the chair in front of his desk.

Elena drags her feet across the carpet and makes sure to sit down with as much noise as possible.

"The hell do you want?" she asks him looking down at her ragged black nails.

"I want you to take a look at this" he tells her, ignoring her rude demeanor; he's grown accustomed to it now. He takes something out of one of the drawers on his desk and hands it to her "Here, I've been thinking about sending you and Jeremy to summer camp"

_Summer Camp._ To Elena that word spoke of campfires and dirt. But looking into the brochure she can see this so called "camp" is located in a huge private lodge next to a beautiful artificial lake. In the mountains. Well, her possibility of escaping just went to shit.

"You are sending us to boot camp?"

"It's not a boot camp, Elena, its summer camp. It'll be a chance for you to make friends…"

"More like a chance for you to get rid of me..."she mutters and her father lets out a frustrated growl at her words.

"Would you mind hearing? Listen they have a lot of activities…"

She's not paying attention to his words; she's too busy reading about the "privileged youth" that attend this place every year.

"_It's a boot camp for rich kids?"_ Her voice gets higher with incredulity. He wants her dead, for sure. There are a lot of things she hates, but people are at the top of that list, _specially_ rich kids. She hates that she is one herself, that just because her family has money she's supposed to behave one way or the other or dress like she actually gives a damn what people think of her. She hates people who actually do the whole nice clothes/stupid speaking part.

He sighs. He knew she wouldn't be easy to convince.

"Listen Elena, there are going to be all kinds of people there, maybe you'll meet someone you have something in common with." He tries to reason with her.

"I doubt it" she mutters under her breath "Is Jeremy on board with operation dump my kids for the summer? Have you brainwashed him into that, too?"

"Jeremy is going to a different place, in California. He started drawing again, so-"

"So you're sending me to "Summer camp"-"he can hear the quotations in her voice "-with a bunch of snobby ass strangers and I don't even get to be with my brother?"

"This will be good for you, Elena." Her father tells her ignoring her choice of words. "Jeremy already agreed to it. See, I found out California has art classes …..creative writing…I know how you liked it…."

She's not listening to him anymore, her thoughts are racing. _No, no, no, no, he can't do this._

"Try it out. Its just 8 weeks. If you don't like it, I'll send someone to pick you up. Just think about it, ok?"

"Will you stop pretending I have a choice?" she screams, exasperated.

"I'm trying to be nice here Elena, but you're right. You don´t!" he tells her "I'm just trying to help you!"

"I don't need any help!" she throws right back. But her father knows she's lying when one of her bracelets slip down her wrist a little revealing a fading scar. She's quick to cover it up but not before he notices. "What is that then?"

"It's not any of your damned business! Stop acting like you care about me! And FYA, I am not going to your stupid camp and there isn't shit you can do about it" She stands up and storms out of the room.

"Elena, get back in here!" Her father follows her out of the room.

"Just leave me the fuck alone!" she turns around and glares at him.

"You think cursing makes your point any better? Why can't you be more like your brother?" he growls, piercing her with his blue eyes, the ones she wishes she had.

"Don't get Jeremy into this!" she screams "The only reason he's so calm about all of this is because of those pills you make him take!" she hates how her voice sounds, the lump in he throat becoming more evident.

"I'm not the bad guy here, Elena" his tone lowers, becoming careful more than anything. She knows why.

Too late

She releases all the pent up anger against anything and everything on her way. Her dad just locks himself in his studio, he knows there's just no stopping her when she gets like this. There's something liberating about breaking stuff. Elena enjoys the sound the china vases make when they hit the floor. She basks in the feeling of destroying things. It's what she does best now. Destroy. Everything, everyone. Herself. But throwing a knife straight to the door of her dad's studio, she knows she doesn't care. Her life is in as many pieces as the things she breaks.


	2. Medicine

_You've got a warm heart/you've got a beautiful brain_  
_But its disintegrating/ from all the medicine_

.

.

.

She doesn't remember the last time it was so bad. It definitely had been a while, the hallway to her father's studio looked like a tornado had gone through it. Her hands accidentally pressed the blade of a knife and know she sits next to the sink, washing the wound. Relishing in the burn as water fell on it. She wraps it up on some cloth nearby, and walks to Jeremy's room, on the other side of the mansion. Elena walks by the studio, finding the maids already cleaning her mess and she almost feels bad about herself. When she gets to Jeremy's room, she knocks once, and then comes in. Making herself comfortable on his bed.

"Well of course, come in" he jokes, concentrated in a notebook on his lap. But then he sees the bloody fabric hanging from her hand and knows he was hearing right moments ago. Jeremy wasn't sure; this mansion is so big the noise he heard could've probably been anything. But his sister was bleeding, she and his dad had gotten into another fight and she had probably done that to herself while smashing half the house.

He tries to stop staring at her arm, the hurt hand, the many bracelets hanging from her too skinny wrist, covering things he doesn't want to know about but hates that he does. Those little scars between her fingers. He shakes his head and tries to continue his picture, like many others he tried, and failed, to change Elena back.

"The booth camp. Are you ok with it?" She goes straight to the point. Jeremy looks up from the notebook he was drawing on, and doesn't pretend not to know what she's talking about.

"I wasn't. Not at first." He answers her, with this deep voice she still hasn't gotten used to.

"But…" she urges him, wanting the insight on why the hell would he want to be 2 months in a campus full of pencil wielding hipsters.

"But …dad said it might be good for me, and I'm getting tired of it you know? Being coped in here. I don't really have friends anymore and this isn´t what -"

"ok, shut up" she tells him, anticipating what he's about to say."I get it, You want to go. But the point is: I don't. He's forcing me to."

"Dad loves you Elena" he tells her "he isn't doing this to hurt you."

"I really doubt that" She answers him, pulling out one of her cigarettes. Elena doesn't think of him as "dad". Not anymore, he's either father or Greyson. It makes it easier to separate herself from him. To not feel.

"I think he really just wants to help someway…just this once, try too cooperate, ok?" he tells her, looking at her with his grey eyes, eyes she wishes she had. "It won't be that bad."

If it was anyone else telling her to cooperate she would've told them were to shove it. But this was her little brother who wasn't so little anymore and even when she doesn't care about anything she cares about him, so she only says

"I hope your Farmville strawberries rot" before standing up and walking out of his room. There's no reason to pick a fight with Jeremy, he wasn't at fault here. And she doesn't plan on "cooperating" anyways. The devil himself could not drag her out of this house .

She hears his chuckle before the door closes and wishes she could be like him, move on. But lately it seems as if she's stuck, and the only way to move somewhere is getting high or getting drunk. And its being working so far. Being numb to most things works for her. Which reminds her she really needs a smoke, so she puts her cigarette between her lips and heads to the kitchen for a box of matches. She lost her lighter. Again.

But _fuck._ Her dad's there. He sees her just before she can turn on her heels and make a beeline to her bedroom.

"I'm glad you're done." He says, his voice laced with sarcasm. "Do you have any idea how much everything you decided to throw away cost? That vase was 50 years old. It belonged to your great grandmother." He tells her, and Elena can tell he's trying to control his tone of voice.

"Honestly, I don't give a fuck about that vase or about my great grandmother. She's rotting now, why do you care about her vase?"

He looks at her, behind the black hair and nails, and the false grey eyes. And sees the little girl he used to give piggy back rides to. He sees the cigarette hanging from her lips, hears her harsh words and wonders how everything went wrong so fast.

"Elena…what are you doing to this family?"

"Well there's another thing I don't give a fuck about…wait a second, I do care about Jeremy… the only one I hate is you." She tells him looking straight into his eyes.

He ignores how much her words hurt him and starts talking "You know I only want what's best for you, but I-"

She ignores his words, Elena knows the "I'm hurt by your actions" little speech by heart now. She lights a match and brings the fire closer to her mouth sucking on the cigarette to light it, she takes a long inhale and lets the smoke flow into her lungs.

"and..." he stops talking once he realizes she isn't listening.

"You know you can't smoke in the house. You know you shouldn't be smoking at all" he tells her, taking her cigarette and throwing it in the trash can.

"Sorry about that, my give a damn's busted" she tells him, pulling out another one but he grabs her package and throws it away, too. How dare he? "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"You can't smoke here, and you are a minor, Elena. You do as I say" He answers her, his tone stern.

"You really delude yourself into thinking that?" she asks him, raising one eye brow. "Your destroyed hallway is enough proof that I don't"

"You are 17 years old and-"

"Not much longer" and its true, her birthday its just 3 months and a half away and she's counting the days until she can get the hell out of here. "And then I promise you, you won't ever see me and my cigarettes around here again."

"Elena…." She recognizes that tone, too. It's the one she hates the most. Greyson sits on a stool and starts speaking, pain evident on his voice "I wonder if it's my fault…if I've been too permissive…" And there he goes again. It's not his fault, is hers. Why can't he just let her be? What's wrong with smoking? Does he even care if she dies of lung cancer? She deserves to and everyone's lives would be so much easier if she wasn't around.

"…its been hard on you, but lashing out…" She's only half listening, imagining all the ways she could die and how people would react. Lung cancer. Too long, too much suffering…besides her father would strap her to a bed and make her receive treatment. Drowning sounds painful but strangely poetic…hanging herself… Its only imagining though. She can't leave Jeremy right now, he needs her. But he's been better lately so maybe…maybe she could put herself and everyone else out of their misery.

"…So I allowed you to act like this, hoping you would get over this phase…" Can't he stop already? She doesn't care about getting "better". She doesn't like his definition of better. "But its not working, you are even worse than before, and if nothing's helping…"

"Then what? What are you going to do to me?" She asks him, her face pure defiance.

He looks at her with an expression she can't define and slowly says

"Either you go to the camp for the summer or… Ill intern you into a rehabilitation clinic." He tells her, seeing the arrogant smile automatically leave her face.

"You can't do that"

"I can and I will, you are not 18 yet Elena" Her mind's spiraling…rehabilitation clinic…that means quitting...she can't…she would be leaving the only things keeping her together. Keeping her numb and sane. As sane as she can be.

"I didn't want to come to this but you're leaving me no choice" he shakes his head in disappointment "Lexington camp is very strict about alcohol and drugs. Its your chance to pull yourself together on good terms." He makes it sound like a fucking field trip " You can stop this." He says fiercely, and takes her arm on his hands, the heavy metal bracelets easily sliding down it and showing the scars on her wrists.

Her throat is burning, and she doesn't even know why yet, it's not like her father hasn't given her this speech before. It's not like him -along with countless doctors- haven't ever seen her scars, the physical ones that is. The ones she tells herself she doesn't care about.

"Who says I want to?" She asks him the resolve on her voice diminshing by the minute under the stare of his soft blue eyes.

"Elena… this isn't what she would have wanted" he adds, tears glistening in his eyes. She forcefully pulls her arm from his grasp.

"Well too bad she's dead then" She answers him and the walks out of the room, without looking back.

She progressively walks faster and faster until she's running to her bedroom, air leaving her in gasps. She enters her room and slams the door shut. She's hyperventilating, and for a second she can't see because tears cloud her eyes. That conversation didn't go as she expected and now she's falling apart. She needs to avoid herself. She's feeling too much_. She's remembering. _She can't, no, she can't. She needs the numbness back.

She walks to her bathroom and opens her medicine cabinet. She finds the bottle she was looking and starts pouring the precious little pills into her hand. She hasn't cried in moths and she isn't about to start now. She pops in the four pills that will surely take her to oblivion and allows herself one last thought, knowing she won't remember any of this in the morning:_ I wish mom was here…_


	3. Shake it out

_Regrets collect like old friends/here to relive your darkest moments_

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.

.

She hates how she looks. As Elena stares at the mirror she just plain despises herself. To look "proper" for the place her father's sending her, he made her take off the black dye of her hair and it returned to its natural shade of brown. He also had the gardener force the lock of her room, and he threw away her grey contact lenses while she slept. So now she's forced to look at her deep brown eyes in the mirror. The eyes she hates because those are the eyes _she _had. Her own eyes are her worst enemy, making her remember things that are better off buried deep inside.

Its second nature now, how she reaches to her jacket pocket to pull out a cigarette but finds it empty, and remembers Greyson threw them away. Elena honestly has no idea how she's going to get through the next 2 moths at that hellhole.

"Elena, the car's here!" she hears her brother's voice calling from down the stairs. "I'm coming!" she yells back, grabbing her purse from her bed and running to meet him outside, where an elegant limousine is waiting for them.

She sees her father hug Jeremy goodbye, and then walk towards her intending to do the same but she moves aside causing him to drop his arms. He settles for grabbing her hand.

"Try to have fun, ok?" of course, this will be candy land for her "and be nice to the driver, Elena, the camp sent him" He tells her, a warning tone in his voice.

"If he sets me off, you'll have to buy them a new limo" she answers him and immediately gets in the limo. That's the only goodbye he'll get from her.

* * *

Stefan walked into the kitchen at 8:00 am, wanting only a glass of orange juice before he began exercising that day. Unfortunately, he was met with sight of his stepmother in one of her skimpy baby dolls sitting at the breakfast table. Yeah, _the actual_ table.

When she saw him, she didn't even bothered covering up. And as he went to open the refrigerator Gina stood up and put herself between him and the door.

"What? No good morning to mommy?" she asks him with her disgusting nasal tone, and then leaves a big wet kiss on his cheek, near his mouth.

"Good morning" he answers her quietly, really just wanting for her to get out of his way, and pushes past her to get a glass. She just a laughs at him, a big, obnoxious laugh that makes him want to rip his ears off. "Shy boy" she whispers under her breath. _And stupid, too. Just as stupid as his father_, she thinks.

Stefan rolls his eyes at her comment, opens the refrigerator and takes out the orange juice. He's pretty sure the only reason it's there is so Gina can mix it with tequila.

"You packed already?" She asks him, with that fake "I do care" tone of voice she's perfected with practice. But this time she really do cares, after all this camp will be the perfect opportunity to get rid of the boy for a couple of months. She wouldn't be able to stand him while he isn't at school. She hates him, she does. His taciturnity, being always so quiet… He bores her to death.

"Yes" Stefan answers. Oh, the monosyllable answers, she hates that about him, too.

"The car is coming to pick you up at 12:00, your flight leaves at 3:00. Got it?" He looks at her and nods; well maybe he isn't as stupid as she thought.

"All right" She stands up, pats his shoulder and walks out. That could pass for a goodbye; after all she's not going to see him for a while and no matter how much she hates his attitude, he's easy on the eyes. She hurries up to the stairs to greet last night's conquest, all thoughts about the boy now leaving her mind.

Stefan watches her disappear behind the marble staircase. He's glad; he actually wants to go to that summer camp. He knows Gina hates him, he hates her too. For hurting his dad. Marrying him for his money. For not shedding a single tear at his funeral.

He hates being stuck here, stuck with her.

He's been like that since he was 15. And he can't wait to get out of here. He would've leaved before but Gina doesn't let him touch a dime of his inheritance money, he's not 18 yet.

But when he is. He'll buy an apartment in New York. He'll buy himself a new motorcycle, instead of asking The Witch money to buy parts for the one he's got. He will get his father's company back on track; take from Damon what is rightfully his.

Imagining the future makes it easier to bear the present.

* * *

After an hour long ride to the airport, Jeremy told Elena goodbye, and even though he had wanted to, he didn't told Elena he would call her. They just weren't as close as before. But still he hugged her while her arms just hung at her sides. He hoped this time away from everything would help her, he really misses his sister. Then he boarded his flight to California, leaving Elena to wait for another half hour to get into her plane.

Her father had hired a private plane to get her to the city's airport, from where she would travel on a limousine to the actual camp. At the plane, Elena was quick to ask for a bottle of vodka from the attendant, who then proceeded to tell her that Mr. Gilbert, had given everyone, "explicit directions of not to provide her with alcohol."

So this was really happening, she thought, closing her eyes and deciding to sleep this nightmare of a trip off. But deep inside knowing that if alcohol wasn't available the next best thing to avoid thinking would be unconsciousness. Her method of coping is to shut out everyone, everything, and any feeling that might remind her she is human. Clinging to that is the only thing she has left now.

She got to the airport a little after 4, and navigated through the people there, quickly finding the man holding a cardboard with "Gilbert" written on it. She got into the car without protest, feeling for the first time in her life, hopeless.

After an hour of being locked in that car (an hour that Elena felt a year long, without having a drink all day) she hears from the driver the words she's been dreading since she woke up that morning.

"We're here"

* * *

**A/N: Hey, I'm glad you all like the story so far, it makes me all warm inside when people leave reviews. :) About Stefan and Elena meeting, they do next chapter. **


	4. House of cards

_I try to disconnect my heart again /just so I can breathe_

_And you'll be amazed at the secrets I keep /you'd be amazed at my mouth full of lies _

_I'm too afraid to come clean / my life's the flame in a house of cards_

_._

.

.

"We're here"

But she doesn't want to be. Elena looks out the window, wincing as she sees a couple of girls in obscenely short shorts walk in, and decides she hates everyone, her dad for making her come and her brother for accepting so easily psychiatrists and pills and stupid summer camps. Hates _her_ for dying and leaving them alone. They are alone, they all are. Even if the live under the same roof. They don't have each other, not anymore.

She hates every single person inside that building for being what they are, self-centered, rich, little assholes. Assholes she'll have to spend 2 months with. Without anyone she knows, without her medicine. Which according to her dad are vices, but they keep her grounded. The reality of everything is downing on her. Elena swears she can't breathe, there's this pressing feeling on her lungs, the hair feels heavy and fog-like. _She's choking._

"Miss Gilbert, we're here"

"I heard you the first time, shut the fuck up!" she snaps at him, seeing him flinch at her words. She doesn't care; she needs to get out of here. Now.

But not two steps out of the car she's met with the smiling face of a young woman.

"Hello Elena, I'm Jenna Sommers." Says the woman, extending her hand to her. She doesn't take it; she doesn't plan on taking anything someone gives her ever again. The woman-_Jenna- _realizes she's not going to be polite, and lowers her hand, smiling like nothing happened. Elena has the urge to shoot her in the face.

"Your belongings will be taken care of, come with me." She says and doesn't expect her answer while she walks in front of her towards the lobby. She stays right where she is until Jenna turns around and says "come on, I'll introduce you to some people and give you your room's key" Elena then starts walking; she figures she's going to need a place to sleep.

* * *

Stefan got off his motorcycle and walked towards the entrance of the lodge. The trip from the airport to the camp was much faster on his bike and he was glad he was able to bring it with him. The car should bring his luggage later but in the meantime he decides to look around the place.

Walking through the double doors outside of the parking place, He's met with a beautiful lobby with glass walls that leave a clear view from the mountains behind. This place is breathtaking, and he's –again- very glad he can be here, even if it is just for a little while.

* * *

Elena walks behind Jenna- who keeps on babbling things she's not listening to- and looks at everything in the room, it truly is beautiful. _The kind of beauty you could only afford to see if you walked around with wads of cash on your pocket, _she thinks.

"Understood everything?" she asks, her happy-go-lucky demeanor never changing. Elena just nods. What she understood, she has no idea. "Good, here is your key." She hands her a key hanging from a blue thread. "I can introduce you to some of our guests…over there is-" Elena stops her midsentence

"I'm fine." She answers, a headache is killing her and the last thing she wants right now is to meet the poster child for Richie Rich.

"All right. See you later" she answers and walks away to greet another girl, all Elena can think is_ I doubt so_.

The moment Jenna leaves, she feels lost. She's standing in the middle of the lobby, alone, with nowhere to go. And her head just keeps pounding, her palms feel sweaty an for a second she feels dizzy. When she encounters the worried look of a woman, she knows its time to get out of here. She's been at this damned place for 15 minutes and already feels overwhelmed. In fact she's about to go into the bathroom to call her dad and scream at him some when she collides with a wall, or, it could've been a wall. She finds herself knocked out of balance by the chest of a handsome young man. He quickly grabs her arms and steadies her.

"I think you got the wrong door" he tells her smiling down at her, and for just a second she's lost in green, in beautiful green eyes the color of leaves on summer.

"What?" she mumbles, dazed. He's so close.

"This is the …men's room" he says, smiling awkwardly at her. He hasn't let go of her arms yet and she's embarrassed at her mistake. Its second nature how her dreadful behavior kicks in.

"I would know where I was if you weren't pushing into people. Are you fucking stupid?"

She knows the words don't make sense as soon as they leave her mouth, but still, they have the desired effect. Elena instantly notices the change in his demeanor. He instantly lets go of her arms and his smile disappears.

"Excuse me." He says quickly, pushing past her. She almost feels bad for being so rude to that stranger, but it instantly changes into anger because around his eyes she couldn't order her thoughts.

* * *

"Hello, young minds…please sit down" says a tall man with reddish-brown hair standing at the front of the classroom. Elena takes a minute to look around, there are floor to roof windows with a breathtaking view of the forest outside. The only sits left when she starts walking are in the front row. She sits down quickly, dropping her bag at the side of her chair. She gingerly hold her head in her hands, her head is hurting so bad there are black spots in her vision.

"Good afternoon" There's a good morning from most of the people on the class. Elena stays quiet though, she doesn't care about his afternoon or anybody's for that matter. Her's already is bad.

"This is your introductory class; I'm supposed to tell you all about how things work around here. My name's Alaric Saltzman" he writes his name on the white board "Professor, Alaric Saltzman, for you. Mr. Saltzman if you're feeling bold. I'm here because we played rock, papers, scissors and I lost." Some people chuckle at that.

"So first things first. Here at Lexington its completely forbidden to:" he takes out a paper and starts reading from it "drink alcohol, use illegal substances, smoke, act immorally-" he stops and looks up "what do they mean with that? You're just children!" He says with a fake gasp and some people laugh. Elena huffs and wonders if every damn teacher in this camp had that stupid humor, he sounds just like Jenna.

"We strongly enforce _punctuality" _he drags the word out, when a blond girl in incredibly high heels comes in.

"Welcome, welcome. You are?"

"Caroline Forbes sir", she answers with a tone of voice so high and chipper, Elena finds herself already hating her.

"Well of course, Ms. Forbes. We were waiting for you, please do sit down." He tells her sarcastically "May I ask, why were you late?"

"I couldn't pick an outfit" she answers and someone chuckles.

"Of course that's incredibly important" he tells her and Caroline smiles figuring out that he was pretty cool for a teacher. "Any way, now that Ms. Forbes has decided to join us. Do you know why you are here? Any idea?" He asks generally walking around the classroom. Elena thinks the sooner this people get to know her, the better.

"My parents fucked" she answers earning the surprised stare of most people in the room. A guy or two chuckled, but the girls mostly look at her with wide eyes. _How dare she say that in front of the teacher? –She mockingly thinks to herself-stupid Barbie dolls._ The professor stops pacing and looks at her, an amused expression on his face instead of the pissed one she was expecting. He walks to her sit.

"Miss….?" He extends his hand to her "Gilbert, Elena Gilbert" she says taking it and shaking hands. A girl at the back gasps and she can immediately hear the whispers being exchanged. Apparently her reputationprecedes her.

"Well technically, yes, that's why you're here, but I don't mean here in the world. I'm not the philosophy professor." And he continues walking around the room like nothing happened. Elena hates that, she feels like he just dismissed her. " I mean here in this camp, and I use that term loosely, we've got a Jacuzzi downstairs." more chuckles from the class "You are here, because you are the future. Most of you will inherit companies, will be the head of important law firms…you are privileged like those hideous little pamphlets said. It's a big responsibility; you need to learn how to manage that much power. _Not use it for evil_" he stresses and people continue laughing.

"Personally I see you like small children. But your parents see you as the people who soon will have the future of our country in your chubby toddler hands. So besides partying and meeting new friends, you _will _have some classes" There's a collective groan in the classroom as Professor Saltzman walks to his desk and searches for some papers.

"Here I have your schedules" he walks to the blond girl sitting beside her and hands her a bunch of pages "take one and pass it please Caroline, you too Elena" he tells her, doing the same. She doesn't know why she's surprised that he calls them for their names. She only knows she doesn't like it, or anything in this classroom for that matter.

"5 hours a day, 4 days a week, you will attend Philosophy classes, Debate, Ethics, and Literature, which is taught by me. This is compulsory, obligatory, you _have _to be there. If you are not, we _will_ hunt you down. Understand? On Fridays you attend an assembly, and the rest of your time here you will be let loose to act like the savage animals you really are." He tells them, smiling.

"There are football practices every Saturday at noon if you want to join the team, there'll be game at the end of the summer. Not everything's sport however, there are pottery classes-" everyone groans at that "I know, I know, just thank god they're not obligatory. There are also creative writing classes Fridays and Mondays, you can approach Ms. Summers for that."

The word "writing" alone, triggers a flood of memories than threaten to choke her. She doesn't know why but suddenly her eyes burn. _Her mother…no…no...her mom, she and her mom…reading poetry,…writing on their journals_. She can't breathe.

" …and the lake is open everyday from 3:00pm to 6:00pm. If you're feeling hot out of those hours, there are several pools, including one indoors next to the spa and one on the roof. There will be field trips, which we will inform you of before hand, so you can pack the proper outfits "he says mockingly and winks at Caroline.

"Your rooms have been already assigned, if you haven't already, you can ask for the keys at the lobby. Your bags have already being carried there. Any questions? No? Great. In an hour there will be a teacher on the lobby who's going to take you on a tour around the installations. And tonight at 8:00 there will be an inauguration party. Wear pretty clothes." He says and smiles at everyone. She needs to get out of here, her palms are sweating and she's feeling like she might throw up at any given moment. Or cry. She doesn't know which one's worse.

"That's all for now, you can leave, I know you're eager to." He says and people start standing up and walking out of the room. She's standing up when she Mr. Saltzman calls her name and she sees the looks of the girls passing her by. One has fiery red hair that she's sure came out of a bottle. The other one, curly brown hair the same shade as hers, and she noticed their brown eyes are similar too; it's kind of unsettling actually. She knows what they're thinking. _Freak_. She feels more tears prick at her eyes, hates that she's so emotional.

"Elena, coarse language is strongly forbidden here too. At least when there are teachers around." He tells her and she just nods, she dons think she could speak anything coherently anyways. "Let that be the first and last time." He looks up at her and notices her watery eyes.

"Are you ok?" he asks, she quickly wipes the tear falling on her cheek.

"I'm fine." she gets out.

"...…Off you go" he says, noticing the desperate look in her eyes. The last thing she would want is to talk to a teacher.

She hugs her bag closer to her chest and walks out as fast as she can, never noticing the man standing behind her, his piercing green eyes staring at her.

* * *

**A/N: For Stefan&Elena, it'll get better_._**


	5. Strawberry gashes

**Warning:This chapter contains depictions of cutting. **

* * *

_I la__y quiet/ waiting for her voice to say  
__"Some things you lose and some things you just give away"_

_._

.

.

She's walking to her room as fast as she can without people noticing there's something wrong with her. She knows what's going on. It's happened to her before. Once her dad locked her in the top floor of their mansion and with 3 stores down it wasn't likely she would be jumping. He left her in those rooms with maids bringing her food for almost 3 days, more than enough time for the alcohol and drugs to leave her body. She was a complete mess afterwards. _Cold turkey. _

For the past year she's being on some level of drunk or high. And now, it's all gone.

She can't stop sweating and she can feel the insides of her stomach involuntarily clenching, by the time she opens her room's door she's dry heaving and sobs are raking out of her in painful gasps. She runs to her bathroom and leans over the toilet, but she hasn't eaten anything all day, she can't throw up.

All she feels like doing is crying, she's a mess; she's hot but shivering, she grabs the hem of her shirt and just pulls it over her head. She cant see straight anymore, the headache is killing her. he open the medicine cabinet and finds it completely empty. Of course her dad would have all narcotics removed from her reach. But seriously, not even fucking Tylenol? Her legs shook under the waight of her body and then gave out underneath her. She swears s_he's dying_; she just curls up in the floor of the bathroom and finally lets the sobs take over her body.

How could her dad send her here, knowing this was going to happen? But then again he doesn't think she drinks as much as she does, _did_. She rests her head on the cold floor of the huge bathroom. She feels like she's spiraling towards the ground, the headache threatening to crack her skull open.

* * *

Stefan stayed behind to ask Mr. Saltzman about the football team, if he was going to be here, might as well do something productive, when he noticed that morning's little brat - _he didn't know her name_- talking to the professor. She was bold; he had to give her that. Or maybe the word was ballsy. Talking like that in class. She was something, all right. But that kind of person didn't cry just for getting called on stuff, like she looked she was about to do. Which makes him think there's something else wrong with the brown eyed girl. And he chastises himself for wondering what, for almost caring about her. That was his ruin. The more people you love the weaker you are.

He shouldn't care anymore, about anything or anyone; he's not going to be the weak little boy Gina makes fun off. That Damon pushes around. He should be vicious and uncaring, like his brother is, _like Katherine was_. But he knows he won't –he cant- do that as he notices the girl wiping a tear from her cheek and out of nowhere feels this pang on his chest for this complete-and completely rude- stranger. Only one thought ran through his mind that moment, _no one that beautiful should be that sad._

* * *

She's doesn't know how long she has she been lying there. Elena feels just plain miserable, on the floor of the bathroom, shirtless, drained. She shivers from the cold of the floor but can't bring herself to move. The waves of nausea subsided, the crying did, too. And now she just feels empty, depressed. Sad doesn't seem enough to describe what she's feeling but it comes close too. Before, It was like being in a tunnel or underwater, where she could hear the echo of things going on around her. Up until now, it was like she was watching a movie of herself, of her life. She could see what the heroine went trough and felt for her. But the pain was never hers. She didn't _feel_ it. Her vices kept it at bay.

And now everything is going to hit her full force and there isn't anything she can do, nothing for her to take. She needed a drink two hours ago; this can only be fixed by a hit. Heroine. That's what she needs right now. To feel the nip of the needle in the skin of her arm, the clear liquid entering her bloodstream and washing her problems away. And now according to her father she'll never touch any of that again. But she needs it, he just doesn't see that. She needs it. Memories are coming back now, rushing into her subconscious and threatening to overwhelm her. She needs to shake them off.

She drags herself up and uses the side of the tub to lean on. A reflection catches her eye when she looks up. The idea enters her mind as soon as she sees the decorative glass ball resting on the top shell of the bathroom cabinets. Relief washes through her and she quickly stands up, trying to recover her balance and reaches up to push the glass ball off the cabinets, which then noisily falls to the floor and breaks into fragments. She spots one big enough for the purpose, and sits down on the toilet seat holding it in her hand. She takes her bracelets off and pushes the glass shard against the skin of her wrist.

It doesn't take much pressure to break it and she loves to feel the sting, can see the blood as red as holly berries. Can feel her pain draining out of the wound along with her blood. Relief washes through her and she slowly calms down. She feels in control of herself again, of the things that have her so out of her head. She focuses. It's almost addicting, the way she just has to do it again. She slashes a second line parallel to the first one. Except it's deeper. Blood comes pouring down and stains the white floor with thick, heavy drops that turn into a little puddle.

The pain on her heart or the deeps gashes on her arms. Elena wonders which of the two is going to kill her first.

* * *

**A/N: Little dark, but its necessary. I know where this is going, so bear with me through the angst? **


	6. Even if it kills me

_I wonder if I'll ever lose my mind/I tried hard for a while_

_._

_._

_._

Now, when she's more calm and collected she metodically cleans the cut, lets water run down her arm and makes sure there aren't any glass fragments embedded in her skin. She puts a band aid she found on the biggest cut, and starts tying and clasping all her bracelets back on. Just in time because someone's knocking on her door. She finishes tying the big leather one and opens the door, to find a maid holding a huge box in front of her.

"Ms Gilbert?" the girl asks. And Elena is too dumbfounded by the gift to be rude so she nods,

"Where should I put it?" Elena points toward the bed and the petite girl walks inside and drops the box on the huge mahogany bed in the middle of the room.

"What time is it?" she asks and the girl hurries to look at her watch and answers "8:30 pm, Miss" Well she just spend almost 4 hours locked in a bathroom, suffering. Thanks dad.

Elena just nods again and the girl does a little curtsy and quickly walks out of the room. She had forgotten how she used to be treated like royalty. She gingerly walks to the bed and opens the big package, she finds her father's hand writing on a piece of paper, on top of all the chiffon on the box. She grabs it, unfolds it, and begins reading.

**_Hello Elena, I hope you are all right._**

_"I'm fine daddy, just fucking dandy" she says out loud._

**_Your friend Margaret helped me pick up this dress for you._**

_What? _Margaret and she were hardly acquaintances anymore, much less friends. They hadn't talked for months. Maggie hates her and she wonders how did Greyson manage to get her roped in picking a dress for her.

**_It's for tonight's gala. _**

Wellshe forgot all about that. What with her previous mental breakdown.

**_Its kind of a big deal Elena, it's where everyone first meets and gets to know each other. Make sure to make a good impression. Jenna, I'm sure you met her already, will be there too. So al least you'll know someone. _**

Thinly veiled, ill have people watching if you screw up.

**_Make an effort, Elena, you know what it means if you don't._**

Well, maybe not so veiled, she thinks. He was threatening her, hanging the promise of rehab over her head and she starts to imagine all the people in that room. The crowds of snobs, crowds she could work so easily before. She almost starts hyperventilating

_Calm down Elena_ she tells herself _you're gonna have to tough this one out_

She'll go to the dance, like daddy dearest wants her to. Maybe if Greyson heard she was being dumb and polite hem, at best, would let her out on good behavior. And at worst, she'd have to stand everyone for the next two months and then get out and _not_ go to rehab. Its win/win going to the ball. She makes a mental note to grab something to eat while she's there, maybe it'll calm the way her stomach feels as if it's convulsing. She pulls the brown dress out of the box, and stares at it for a moment. It's elegant, really elegant. Showered with sparkles and having a tight bodice.

Her skin crawls when it comes into contact with the material on the dress, and she hasn't even done the zipper when she already feels like she's choking. She doesn't know why, the withdrawal, or the memory of the last time she wore a dress like this. But still she clenches her teeth and pulls the zipper up, her feet can't be seen so she just leaves her black converse and heads for the door. When she's almost there though, Elena catches her reflection in a mirror; she cringes seeing herself in the dress. She looks girly and delicate and weak. The dress would hug her curves if she had any left. She's painfully thin, her arms look like two withered branches and she's glad her legs can't be seen because she's sure they look the same. The fluff on the back of the dress helps her behind a little but she suddenly wishes she had brought a push-up bra, there's nothing the dress can do on the front. She looks sick, plain and simple. It doesn't seem like she's younger or just naturally slim. Its like life was sucked out of her. _Maybe that's what happened_, she thinks grimly to herself, _maybe she's dead and what's left of her is what's walking around._

Her eyes looks sunken and her skin pale and clammy, so she looks for her foundation and her black eyeliner, the only makeup she has, really. And starts putting it on.

When she's done her huge dark brown eyes are thickly lined with black all over. And her full lips are painted just a shade pinker than their natural color thanks to a bar of lipstick she found in the floor of the room. _Thanks stranger_. She wears nothing around her neck, her skinniness coming in handy, making her neck look long and elegant. Her bracelets don't match with the dress and look incredibly out of place but she can't take them off. She can never take them off. Elena takes one hesitant look at herself before walking out the door towards the ball room.

* * *

He isn't good for this, Stefan thinks as he tries to tie the not on his tie for the umpteenth time. Coming here sounded like a good idea at the time –get away from Gina and Damon- but now he's nervous and hesitant. He isn't the social butterfly his best friend Lexi is. He's shy and quiet and more than a little awkward. He hates dancing, hated it when Lexi dragged him to a new club last week because "it was time he got over the bitch". He misses her; Alexandra is maybe the only person to understand him. She offered to come here with him but she had an internship in a "fashion factory" somewhere and it wouldn't be fair. So now he's stuck getting ready to attend a dance where he knows nobody.

* * *

Elena, except for an involuntary tremor in her knees, stood stock still. Withdrawal symptoms, she couldn't be nervous about this. That room was fool of dumb, rich idiots, who can't see farther than their own -surgically altered- nose. Why would she be nervous about going in? She doesn't care about what they think of her, she hasn't met any of them. Except the handsome green eyed guy she crashed into at the lobby. The one who probably spent all afternoon making fun of her for it.

Her face feels hot and she's about to turn around and leave when a dark haired waiter holds the door open for her saying "Welcome". Elena feels like she's crossing the gates of hell when she walks in and is met with the sight of crystal chandeliers and silk curtains and every overpriced, obnoxious thing she can imagine. Including the people.

She pretends not to notice the people that look at her when she comes in. Can imagine them laughing behind her back. She walks to a corner, hoping she had a wallet on and could pull off the old "pretend you're texting someone" trick so she doesn't look so painfully lost.

She's been standing next to the bar she can't drink anything from when a blond guy, with clear blue eyes approaches her.

"Someone looks lonely…" he says as he walks to her "Hello, I'm Matthew…Matt for shorts" he smiles and extends his hand but she just looks at it until he lowers it. "So…what's your name?" He asks, clearly uncomfortable with her lack of manners.

"That's none of your business" she barks out and turns on her heels. That dude-Matt- seemed nice enough but she knows how these kids really are. Blood thirsty, cutthroat. She walks around the room, her head far away form the room packed with fluffy dresses and disgusting music.

It's bothering her, the note. Her dad saying that Jenna would be there like they were freaking BFFs. She doesn't know what it means. She also doesn't know what kind of alcohol this damned school or camp or whatever the hell prohibits, because she can see glasses of champagne in the hands of every guest. Elena thinks maybe she can prove the theory that has been festering in her brain so she walks towards the bartender (that could very well have starred in a James Bond movie)

"A tequila, please" she ask brazenly. The dude, before he can't even think to respond or ask for an ID, is intercepted by Jenna saying "She's not old enough" and he walks away to serve a teacher.

"Elena…. your dad's forbid me to let you near alcohol" She hears Jenna's chirpy patronizing tone. She wasn't even aware you could sound annoyingly bright and condescending at the same time. Elena smiles to herself, she was right after all.

"Thought I'd be free of Grayson looming over my shoulder for 2 months but he hired you for that. Congratulations!"

"He didn't hire me Elena, I work here. Keeping an eye on you is just a favor" She answers.

"Why would you do him a favor? You sleeping with him?" she tells him, even though she knows that could never be true. She just wants to get a rise out Jenna.

Jenna swallows at her audacity "I was friends with your mom. " she answers with the most serious tone she has heard on the woman so far. Well she wasn't expecting that. "She was my thesis advisor at the university." Elena knows which one, Duke. Not so big or important a college, next to Harvard or Yale. But her mom's baby none the less. She had studied there. And every year made generous contributions. She was a Literature professor by profession, and although she didn't need to work, she still went there every other day. To teach sometimes or to check on projects she was sponsoring. And apparently to advice -go-lucky on her thesis, too.

"We became friends really fast, I never got chance to meet you or your brother, but she introduced me to Greyson and since your dad heard I got a job here as a creative writing teacher he thought this might be what you need. He told me about you. He thought maybe this would help. " she offers her a sympathetic smile "What happened was terrible Elena. I'm so sorry" she reaches out to her arm but she recoils from her touch.

That's everyone always told her after the accident. I'm sorry. It was awful. A terrible loss. She was so young, so beautiful. But Elena knows that, she knows that no death was as unfair as her mom's. There are so many bad people, murderers, rapists, walking on the streets free and alive. And her mother was 6 feet under and had to be buried with her casket nailed shut. Suddenly her eyes burn and she really wishes she could tackle Jenna and drink everything on the bar behind her.

"C'mon, I'll introduce you to some people" She says wiping a tear that leaked at the corner of her eye. Apparently she and her mother had been good friends. She doesn't remember her mom ever mentioning Jenna, but then again she-by choice- doesn't remember anything about her mom.

"Where could Caroline be…I think you'll like her…or Amy…, wait, Stefan!...Stefan, come over here" Jenna calls, and waves her hand at someone. She doesn't recognize who she's calling until he walks towards them and she can see his face- his eyes- and thinks _you've got to be kidding me, anyone but him._

* * *

**A/N: I just want to say thank you for all the story alerts, the reviews, adding my story to your favorites, etc. They all make my day and push me to write more and update faster. **

**Also, imagine Elena's dress as the one she wore in 3x14.**


	7. Father sympathy

_So tell me what is there to lose/ that I don't already lack_

.

.

.

Seriously? Of all the people in this room, Jenna wants to introduce her to the guy she made an ass of herself in front of?

"Stefan" Jenna beckons him with her hand, but he doesn't look t her. He's too busy staring at Elena. His eyes flashed in recognition when he laid eyes on her. "This is Elena Gilbert." she makes a hand gesture from one to the other and she feels a current go through her fingers when she shakes his hand. _Damned withdrawals._ "Elena, this is Stefan Salvatore." She thinks on her feet for something to say.

"This dumbass? Oh we've met already. He has a thing for running into people" she says turning her face towards him, her voice and words not nearly as harsh as she would have liked. But still Jenna looks at her a chastising expression on her face, she's about to apologize to Stefan for the girl's rudeness when he calmly says

"I believe that was your fault." He would've never in a million years put the blame on a woman no matter how rightfully. That's the way he'd been brought up. But if she could be rude then so could he. Her cheeks turn pink at his words and she doesn't even realize it.

"You and I remember that very differently." She tells him, with no force left to push a bad word in the statement. She's spent, from this afternoon, from the memories the conversation with Jenna sprung up. All she wants to do is crawl into bed and sleep, or die. Elena also knows she has no argument, it _was _her fault. Besides, it's getting consistently harder to argue with him at all for a consistent amount of time_. Damn you_-she thinks. "Besides…-"

" You know, Elena was just telling me how she wishes to dance." Jenna pipes in, wanting to interrupt any scenes Elena might cause. "Stefan…?" Jenna continues, urging him on. Elena's eyes comically bug out, she can't be near him and more importantly, she doesn't want to. Stefan says "yes, of course" out of morbid curiosity and maybe a bit of something more, dancing with him is obviously the last thing she wants.

"Dance with me?" He asks and extends his hand toward Elena. She's about to tell him no, and a couple other things, when she sees Jenna looking at them from the corner of her eye. And knows she has no choice. Goddamn her father.

She takes his hand like she was taught a lady should, and walks with him towards the dance floor. Jenna is suddenly the #1 person on her "to kill" list now. Elena begrudgingly puts one arm around his shoulder and holds his hand with the other. He holds her waist and does the same. And then they're swaying to the old fashioned music in the background. Her movements are a little rusty, after all the time that has passed since she last attended a party like this. One that didn't include alcohol and needles. But these stupid ball dances she's known since she was 10 so the more she dances the more she remembers. Exactly what she's been trying to avoid all day. _Can't this day be over already?_

She looks around the huge salon, looking for Jenna. Wanting her to see-and report back to Grayson- how great she's doing. How is only the first day and she's already dancing with strangers instead of setting them on fire. When she can't find her, though. She takes the time to look up and see who she agreed to dance with more closely. He's tall. A lot taller than she is. His shoulders are broad and she can feel his muscular arm encircling her waist. His hand feels warm in hers. She avoids his face though. Still not getting over the way his eyes made her flustered that afternoon.

"I'm Stefan" he says, leaning down to her ear and his breath tickles her, warm in her neck. Goosebumps appear on her arms and she's not so sure they are from withdrawals. She looks up to him and once again is puzzled by his eyes. He has the deepest shade of green she's ever seen, and can seem to directly control her heartbeat.

"So I've heard." She answers him and looks away, her frown deepening. Stefan really doesn't know how to conduct polite conversation with the woman in front of him so he tries again a few minutes later.

"So…have you met anybody else yet?" he asks her trying to break the uncomfortable silence that hade settled over them.

"No. Nor do I care to." She deadpans, sinking them into an even more awkward situation. But then the music changes and it's no longer a Vals people are dancing, but to a new, slow song, bodies move closer. She wants to move away from Stefan, assuming she'd done enough force-dancing for the night. But his arms hug her closer against him. There's a shift in the atmosphere, her body molding perfectly to his as she wraps her arms around his shoulders. She ignores his eyes and they dance to the tune, quietly, effortlessly.

Elena is a freaking mess, her body was rigid, reeling from anger and hate and the headache that the loud booming music just brought back, but the minute she moved closer to him, his arms circling her waist and she leaning on his shoulder, it's like a balm. She moves softly with him, her limbs relaxing in his embrace, and she has no idea why the hell she feels these peaceful in the arms of a stranger. She looks up and meets his eyes, finds him looking straight back at her. The air between their bodies is different, almost electrically charged. Her breath catches in her throat. She swears he moves closer towards her but she can't really know, his head suddenly looking from a different angle until it's just black spots all over.


	8. Sensible heart

_At times so self destructive/With no intent or motive  
But behind this emotion/There lies a sensible heart_

.

.

.

Stefan doesn't remember the last time he felt so good about something. This isn't just a pleasant feeling but he truly thinks he could dance with Elena for the rest of his life. _Elena_, he thinks that her name fits her perfectly. He wants to say it out loud, find out if it rolls out of his tongue as easily as he thinks it will. There's just something about this girl. She's fierce, he can tell that much from when they met. But there's also something else, she's…sad. But its more than that, he just wants to know why she was crying this afternoon. Wants to- and this sounds crazy, even to himself- make it better. She told him he was fucking stupid not a second after meeting him when he was nothing but polite. She then called him a dumbass not 15 minutes ago. That should be enough for him not wanting to be near her again, but he finds himself attracted to the brunette beauty like a moth to a flame. It was sort of masochistic really; how the more this girl turned him down the more he wanted to figure her out. He fleetingly thinks about how Lexi told him he can read people like they were a book. He sees this girl, and thinks she's different than the rest, that's for sure. He finds himself wanting to know why. Wanting to know her.

But obviously she doesn't want to know anything about him. He tried introducing himself, really introducing himself and she shot him down without a second thought. He tried to make conversation about their companions here and she really couldn't have cared less. He's thinking -for her benefit- that maybe idle chit-chat isn't her thing as much as it isn't his, when the music changes and she steps away from him. Without thinking he tightens his arms around her waist and pulls her closer to him when she doesn't resist. He believes he isn't done dancing with her just yet. It's different now, but better. Her body no longer rigid but relaxed against him and she's so close he can smell lavender from her hair. The way their bodies move together is so natural, almost innate. Like they've been dancing together since the beginning of time.

He sneaks a look at her, wondering if she's feeling the same things he is and finds her brown orbs looking back at him, her long lashes casting shadows on her cheeks. There's an almost magnetic pull between them, and he swears its something very damn near gravity what tugs his head down, makes him want to press his lips against hers.

Except it never happens, since suddenly she's falling and her eyes seem to roll to the back of her head. He's left supporting her in his arms. Not giving it a second thought he picks her up, one arm under her knees and one on her back, briefly registering how she seems to be weightless. Her head falls back against his shoulder when he heads for the door as fast as he can, the crowd in the room leaving an open path when they notice what's happening. Stefan doesn't know much about sicknesses or what to do when someone passes out, but there's only one thought in his head as he jogs to the infirmary, _Get her help._

* * *

Elena wakes up to someone dabbing a wet cloth on her cheek. Her head is still killing her and her nose picks up the sterile smell of disinfectant.

"Welcome back" says the person a woman- and pats her cheek "hey sweetie…" she tells her softly when Elena opens her eyes.

"What Happened?" are the first words to leave the thin girl's mouth. She groans, a hand instantly going to cover her forehead which feels like its burning. Merely speaking seems to send another round of little devils to pound at her skull with sledgehammers.

"You fainted" answers the woman in front of her, the nurse here by the looks of it. She has plump cheeks and satiny dark skin and wears a white uniform that makes her look like she's oddly part of the room. She notices Elena's distress and how she clutches her head. "Do you have a headache?" she asks, concerned. _what clued you in? _Elena thinks, but only manages to nod yes.

"Let me get you something." The nurse tells her and walks away to some cabinets behind her head. Since sitting up proves to be an impossible task right now she only looks around, finding out she's in a white, clean looking room, and cold too, with only the thin fabric of her dress between her and the bed, her back feels frozen. Her mind is still foggy, confused. It doesn't clear up until the nurse looks back and tells her

"A Stefan Salvatore brought you here" And then everything comes back, the gala, the conversation with Jenna, her dance with Stefan. And that last moment where everything went black. Was he leaning towards her? Was he going to…kiss her? Why the hell did she want him to? She's taken out of her thoughts by the nurse coming back with a glass of water and a tiny paper cup with pills. She wordlessly swallows them, cringing when the familiar press on her throat reminds her of a luxury she can't afford now. If only she had Jere's pills.

She despised that her father had him taken to a psychiatrist, that those pills –severe anti-depressants- were practically forced down her little brother's throat, since he became practically a vegetal after their mother's death. While she'd been a forced to be reckoned with, mocking the security and escaping her house, even setting the Audi on fire, Jeremy became impossible to reach. He'd stopped talking, moving, he barely ate. The medicine served its purpose, after he started taking the pills he was a bit more like himself, calmer than usual but at least they worked, he was no longer locked in his own pain. Elena stole a couple every once in a while to deal with hers.

"Huh?" she mumbles when she realizes the nurse had been trying to talk to her.

"I asked you, when was the last time you ate?" This girl looks way to pale and thin for Nurse Bennett's liking.

Elena doesn't remember the answer to that question.

"This morning?" she says to appease the nurse's inquisitive stare. The truth is she doesn't remember having anything after yesterday's lunch.

"Well, there you go" The nurse answers, a reproachful tone in her voice. Elena thinks that the nurse probably believes she's one of those anorexic girls that kill themselves to lose weight. Her overly thin figure doesn't exactly help deny that possibility.

"I'm sorry…" Elena inwardly groans at her words "I was just so excited to come here that I forgot." She says in the best innocent tone she can manage, and lifts her lips in what she hopes is a weary smile. The nurse seems to believe her although her eyes still warily look her over.

"I'm going to call for some food, all right? And look for some clothes for you." Replies the woman, which seems to be in her late 40's. Elena watches her walk out of the room, although she can still see her hazy silhouette from the door's glass. She tiredly lets herself fall against the bed and lands with a tud. Elena's mind must be running slower than normal because it's a minute later when she murmurs "clothes?...what clothes?"

Nurse Bennett chooses that moment to walk back inside and hears Elena's question. "You just passed out honey, you're spending the night at the clinic." She tells her, handing her a neatly folded stack of white clothes.

"No…I'm fine….really…I cant, I can't sleep here." She answers the nurse, trying to keep the terrified look at bay. Most nights, she has these ferocious nightmares. Really terrifying dreams they are. That seemed that could shake they soul right out of her body. She'd be screaming and crying with her petite body wriggling on the bed, her hair all matted up on her olive colored face. She thinks that someone else seeing that and possibly telling her father won't help her at all.

"Sweetie…I think it would be best if you stayed here tonight, let us keep an eye on you." Elena looks at he nurse and tries to ignore the other people or things suddenly appearing in the room, did she hit her head or something? Because _fuck,_ her brain is doing some freaky shit. The shadows in the room seem to suddenly try to get closer to her, taunting her, with horrible sizzling voices that whisper unintelligible things. She doesn't mention this to the nurse though; somehow she doesn't think it would help her case.

"I promise to go to the cafeteria, please… I don't sleep well in….hospitals" She was about to say "strange beds" but isn't that what she would be doing tonight, anyways? She hopes the nurse swallows this too as she tries to disguise how she winces, when a gross voice whispers right behind her neck: _everything's your fault_

"Well technically this is an infirmary but…if you are sure that you feel well enough…fine, just go to the restaurant and I'm sure they'll make you whatever you ask." The nurse surrenders, smiling; the poor girl just had a bad experience, that's all, why make it worse making her sleep in the cold clinic? The brown eyed girl seemed like an honest, nice young woman. Nurse Bennett really hopes she feels better, so she walks back to the other room to leave the clothes she had picked out for the girl with her hot on her heels. She points toward the exit and the girl hurriedly walks out of the clinic. _Being so excited you forgot to eat, _the nurse chuckles to herself,_ oh well, poor thing._

* * *

Elena heads out of the clinic, and starts walking through the narrow hallway towards the light of what she assumes is the waiting room. She stumbles as she goes, the floor seemingly tilting just to screw with her head. She gasps something whispers in her ear sickly threats. This isn't real...it can't be. She almost loses her step as she can hear another voice gurgling accusations that make the hair in her arms stand. _You killed her Elena...you are the reason she's dead _

"Stop it… stop_" _She quietly says, her head pounding. The only answer she gets is a disgusting, deep laugh that seems to come from the inside of her own head. She tries to walks faster and is finally hit by the bright lights of the infirmary's waiting room. A hand flies up to cover her eyes from the shine and a handsome young man walks up to her, a concerned expression on his face.

"Elena, are you ok?" He asks and she calms down some, Stefan's here and he's solid, real. His hand feel firm as it softly cups her cheek, and she can focus on that. Not on the ethereal sensations of shadows from moments before.

"Yes…I…the nurse said I just needed to rest." She looks up, her head finally cleared from the sort of attack she had.

"Really?" he asks her, finding it odd that rest was the cure for fainting, but what did he know?

"You scared me, you know?" he silently chastises himself for telling her this but the truth is he'd been worried for her, the past 20 minutes. He guides them to sit down on the leather couch at one side of the waiting room.

"Well, I'm fine now." She tells him, of course she'd scared him, maybe she had a seizzure from her withdrawals like that other time back at a friend's house. Everyone told her she looked like a mix between Emily Rose and the girl from The Ring. Maybe Stefan now thought she was possessed. She meets his eyes, all the sensations from their dance earlier rushing back to her. She doesnt have the energy to keep up her front anymore, too exhausted to do anything to repel him. A small part of her tells her that maybe she doesn't want to. She doesn't realize that her voice softens when she says "Thank you for bringing me here, you didn't have to."

He just nods to her, catching up on her change in demeanor from earlier. Stefan thinks he's finally getting a glimpse into the real her, the woman underneath all the insults and snarky remarks.

"It was nothing." He answers her honestly. "Let me walk you to your room?" he stands up and extends his arm to her, just like they did before dancing. She looks up to him, to his green eyes that did stuff to her insides and thinks _why not?, _maybe she can give into this feeling, just for tonight.

* * *

**A/N: That's a start.**

**A/N 2: ****I have a new idea for a fanfic and I've been working on it these past couple of days. In it Stefan&Elena are married and they have a little girl. Their lives are not as great as they sound though****, I'm thinking the fic might ****be even more angsty than this one. I should be posting the first chapter soon and I would really appreciate it if you read it. I'm sure if you like this one, you'll like that one too.**

**On this chapter, the little bit at the beginning is specially for Jess who wanted to see Stefan's P.O.V.  
****Please tell me your thoughts since we're finally getting somewhere with their relationship. A****nd if you have any suggestions or requests, do bring them on. **


	9. Harder to breathe

_What you are doing is screwing things up inside my head_

.

.

.

They walk together towards the girl's wing of the lodge, Stefan's strong, muscular arm around her own, too thin one. It's a foreign feeling to her, being so close to another human being. She can smell his cologne, or is that just _him_? He's so close. She can practically feel the heat radiating from his body next to hers. And when they have to go up a flight of stairs she feels Stefan's sure, steady hand at her lower back and she swears her heart jumps, but it was probably the coldness of his (warm) hand or that he took her by surprise. Yeah, definitely that.

But then he goes and holds the door to the lobby open for her and she allows herself to think_, well, maybe he isn't so bad. _Elena quickly chastises herselffor being dumb and weak, even for a fleeting second. He may not seem like it right now, but she's sure he's just like every other stupid teenager in this damned building.

They don't speak at all, as they walk through the lobby towards the rooms. But she has become such a good observer since she decided to give the world the silent treatment, that she knows he's racking himself for something to say. He shouldn't, really. Either way, she won't care.

* * *

Too soon, they're in the girls' wing of the lodge's bedrooms. Stefan still processing whatever happened tonight; he was going to kiss Elena (he's come to terms with that), this girl who apparently and for no good reason, loathed him (he's accepted that, too); and before he could, she passed out. And he carried her half the distance of the lodge to the infirmary, from where he (in a fit of gallantry and worry and maybe a bit of stupidity) asked to accompany to her room.

And now, they're in silence in front of her bedroom door.

He doesn't know if she remembers that he tried to kiss her, if she even noticed he wanted to. If she felt the same things he did while they danced, he doesn't even understand them himself. But those minutes in the infirmary's waiting room were used for thinking, and he thinks that dancing with her it's the closest he's come to peace for years.

She looks up at him, her big browns orbs clear and bright, that is until they settle into a frown that seems embedded in her skin. He doesn't know how to act around her, but almost of it's own accord his hand rises to cup her face. Just like dancing, it clicks, it feels natural. As natural as caressing her cheek with his thumb and whispering "Goodnight, Elena" to her ear, before turning around and walking away.

* * *

Elena stands there for a moment longer than she should, her heart hammering in her chest. She opens the door with shaky fingers and proceeds to close it and slowly peel the dress from her body, processing what just happened. Actually, nothing did. He said goodnight, and caressed her face. That was it.

But still, it scares her. How –for a second there- she wondered how his lips tasted like…how that single touch felt like fire burning her cheeks and a soothing balm against her real-life nightmares all at once. She was too caught up in him outside, to notice how arms are so uncomfortable and itchy. Her thumping heart drowned out the sound of the shadows, those disgusting little monsters that reminded her of her sins and refused to go away.

Sometimes Elena wonders if she has finally lost her mind. Most times, she doesn't care.

What's terrifying though, are not the hallucinations, but how the minute Stefan left, the veneer of calmness that had settled over her broke and the sweaty, annoying anxiety began to creep back in. How was she, back at the infirmary, dumb enough to let her guard down for even a second. It scares the living hell out of her, how this stranger seemed to have gotten under her skin after just a couple of hours. Why was her heart beating so fucking fast? She thinks, crawling under the covers of the king size bed. _What the hell is wrong with me?_

* * *

She notices it, what _it_ is, she isn't sure. But what she's sure of its that it's watching her, from the far corner of the room. She doesn't even have to turn around to know its there. It's always there. Sitting in the corner of her room, her bed, her mind.

Always, always…

She violently wakes up, seeing that the big neon numbers on her alarm clock read 3:30 am. She now remembers how she collapsed on her bed an hour ago, more from exhaustion than anything, hoping that she would be lucky enough not to dream…but then again, luck was never on her favor.

She sinks back against the pillows with a groan, pushes the hair matted with sweat from her face, and looks up to the roof, thinking. _What was the difference between real life and nightmares anyway? _

(She'd never admit it, but a pair of green eyes come to mind.)

* * *

**A/N: I want to start by saying I am incredibly sorry for the lack of updates. See, I'm an overachiever, and I found myself in some many things that I, for weeks, barely had any time to sleep, let alone write. This story is my baby, and I wouldn't let it unfinished. I'll be going back to updating this and "Second Chances" regularly from now on, until they are finished. (Which, for both, isn't going to be for a while.) **

**A/N 2: My birthday was last Saturday, so… leave me a review for a present? **


	10. Empty

_Sickness was fixing me some / Coughed out my heart in the last stall  
Now that the damage is done / I never miss it at all_

_I'm so glad that I'm an island now_

_._

_._

_._

_Well she's hit a new low, hasn't she? _Elena thinks as she traces the angry red scar on her right wrist. Yesterday had been a fucked up day in its entirety. She'd been forced to go cold turkey, pushed into a secluded building with a bunch of people, been forced to speak and (worst of all) dance, and she's pretty sure she convulsed at some point, too.

And Stefan, that green-eyed asshole, was a problem in and of itself. She didn't even know him; and she made an ass of herself in front of him, 3 times already (she likes to keep count). She passed out like a damsel in distress and she's pretty sure she freaking blushed when he said goodnight last night. Screw him. She didn't even know the guy and something stirred in her chest every time he looked at her with those strikingly green eyes.

She crawls out from under the covers and rests against the headboard of the king sized bed. Running theme from the last days, her head is still killing her. And she can feel bile rising on her throat, more from not eating than withdrawals. She figures she should probably get some breakfast or something to soak up the last of the alcohol left in her system. (She reminds herself she'll have plenty of time after she gets out of here to drink until her blood is drowning in alcohol.)

She groans at the light seeping through the curtains as she makes her way to the shower. She peels her underwear from her body and then steps in, letting the warm spray of water wash over her body. She could fall asleep here. She could drown in the tub too. Both sound pretty nice.

She pulls whatever clothes are on top of her suitcase and after tying her converse, sets on the mission of finding some food. As she leaves her bedroom, she finds Jenna's handwriting in a note at her door, **_breakfast at 9:00, outdoor cafeteria_**

_Crap_, after a quick look at the clock in the hallway, she realizes it's about 11 o'clock now. Still, she decides not to rush too much. Somehow Elena doesn't think all these anorexic fake bitches, would've finished all the food.

* * *

Disregarding the song of the birds, the waving green trees, and the smell of the flowers, Elena headed straight to the cafeteria. Down a marble path on the back of the lodge, was an open-air restaurant. Or as much a restaurant as it could be, one big wooden roof and pillars, plus waist high fences were the only walls the place had. Still it was delightfully decorated and Elena would've probably noticed it if she wasn't on auto-pilot, following the intense smell of bacon and fries coming from the breakfast bars, at the center of the huge room.

She grabbed as much food as the porcelain plate could handle, and carried it outside. She walked along the edge of the lake until she found a secluded spot under a tree. Elena sat down and ate, and after being 2 days without food, it tasted like glory. She took a moment to admire the lake, it was huge and she barely could see where it ended, the other side was all mountains and woods. The water was a deep blue that reminded her of a stone, which name she couldn't remember. There were some girls already showing off their bikinis by the edge, and some skinny dude tried –and failed- to do a back flip off the edge of the dock. She was almost done when she saw Jenna approaching her, a smile on her face.

"Hey Elena!" she exclaimed, and sat down next to her in the rock. "You left the party early last night? I didn't see you after a while." So Stefan hadn't told what happened. Good, and better keep it that way.

"I was just…tired…after the trip, you know?" she answered with what she hoped was a convincing tone of voice. Elena was no Black Widow; she wasn't qualified to fool people. But Jenna apparently didn't need the professionals, because by the nod she gave her, she had bought it.

"Of course, I understand." Jenna smiled again, didn't her cheeks hurt? "I needed to talk to you about your classes, your father inscribed you in the creative writing class I teach and it starts today…at 2:00." Jenna looked at her face, searching for a reaction. Elena's most immediate reaction was to exclaim: what the fuck? But she thought better of it.

"Huh…sure." She told her, swallowing the insults because they wouldn't get her anywhere. She wasn't that good of an actress to swallow the grimace who immediately painted her features, though.

"It's going to be great, you'll see." Jenna told her and stood up, leaving her along and going on her merry way.

She passed the time until 2:00 exploring the grounds of the lodge. She walked along the edge of the lake as far as it was aloud, and once she was inside the building again, she could still smell the pine trees. Elena went up some stairs and found herself in front of a door that leaded to the roof of one of the buildings. She stepped outside and was immediately mesmerized by the incredible view. She would've kept going if she'd not cached someone else already there. The broad-shouldered man's back was towards her, so she couldn't see who it was. But somehow it resulted familiar. He was wearing an oddly cut leather jacket and his shoulders were slouched forwards, he looked defeated. Miserable. _Well, join the club_, she could've told him, but instead sneaked out as quietly as she had slipped in, not wanting to encounter anyone for as long as she could.

Elena made it back to the lake, and sat in one of the cafeteria's chairs for a while. She was tired from walking all day around the lodge, but she couldn't keep still. She unconsciously scratched her arms. The withdrawal symptoms were still bothering her, but not quite as much. Still, Elena knew it would be a while until she felt normal again. She used the time to ghost her eyes over the water and think about last night. About her stupid behavior and responses and vow to herself to never, never while she was trapped here, get closer to Stefan Salvatore again. That was a promise easy enough to accomplish.

A look at the clock told her it was 1:45, so she decided to head over to the front building, the one that held the classrooms. She walked by earlier and saw that the view was gorgeous, floor to roof glass panels on the entire right wall, and the view of the faraway mountains and trees seemed almost magical.

She quickly walked across the campus and stopped at the door that read "creative writting". She peeked inside and was not surprised that the class room was almost empty. Only 3 people were sitting inside. Her heart started beating wildly as she noticed one of them just happened to be a handsome, leather clad young man, she vowed to never, ever approach.

* * *

**A/N: I'm incredibly sorry for the long wait. There's nothing you can say to me that's more harsh than what I'm saying to myself. This was kind of a filler chapter, but after this I really plan to start the action between them and needed to establish some things. Maybe leave a review?**


	11. Polygraph, right now

_Fate is an elegant, cold-hearted whore / She loves salting my wounds  
Yes, she enjoys nothing more_

_I'm scared to death to find out what you think of me_

_._

_._

_._

She enters the classroom with her eyes glued to the floor, hoping he won't recognize her. No such luck. Stefan looks up the minute she enters the classroom and is the idiot smiling? She takes a seat at the back, so she's able to watch everyone from a safe distance. Jenna is already seated at the front, and smiles encouragingly at her. Elena doesn't even try to suppress the roll of her eyes. Elena can see she's really young, not that older than them. She briefly considers that this class can't be that bad.

"Hello everyone, my name is Jenna Sommers and I will be you creative writing teacher this summer. I'm going to call your names to see if everyone's made it, ok?" Jenna walks to her desk to fetch a list and Elena wonders what the point is. She can count her students with her right hand.

"Bonnie Bennett?" Nobody answers "Elena Gilbert?" she raises her hand briefly. "Dwayne Melvin?" A skinny guy croaks out a "Present", "Stefan Salvatore?" Elena can see one of his gloriously muscular arms raise, wait what? "Mailee Stewart?" A petite redhaired girl quietly says "Here" and then there's nobody left to call. It must be depressing to be Jenna.

"I have copies here of Love Poem, by Walt Whitman. Here take one and pass the rest" she hands it to the guy at the front "I'll read the first paragraph and you'll keep going, all right?" When everyone has a page, Jenna recites:

"_Passing stranger! You do not know,  
How longingly I look upon you,  
You must be he I was seeking,  
Or she I was seeking  
(It comes to me as a dream_)"

Jenna signals for the tall, thin guy to stand up, he does and shakily recites the next part. It seems to her his voice is still making the awkward transition to puberty. She tunes out and doesn't even understand the words being spoken. The tiny redhead continues when he's done and her voice is predictably as petite as her body. Elena's vaguely aware that she remembers her from somewhere.

Then its Stefan's turn to read and suddenly her desk is the most interesting thing in the world. Damn, why can't rich kids write on their chairs like everyone else? It would give her an excuse to keep looking at her chair. His voice reaches her ears.

"…_I ate with you and slept with you, your body has become  
not yours only nor left my body mine only_"

She finds herself transfixed in Stefan and his words, in the way he pronounces them with an accent that's not quite it, a deep velvety voice that makes the words sound like music more than poetry.

And she's angry that Stefan seems to have such grace in his speech without making an effort. Or at least she thinks its anger, her cheeks faintly flush and her heart beats faster and she's never felt quite like this before. He finishes reading and looks back at her and she hopes the gasp that escaped her wasn't audible.

Then it's her turn to stand up. She's a bit dizzy, the damned withdrawals still playing with her body and doing all sorts of crappy things to her. She shakes her head to clear it and begins reading,

"_I am not to speak to you, I am to think of you  
when I sit alone or wake at night, alone  
I am to wait, I do not doubt I am to meet you again  
I am to see to it that I do not lose you."_

She finishes and sits down, hoping her voice didn't sound that frail.

oOo

Stefan noticed how she spoke. Like she was more comfortable screaming at people than talking to them, but it sounded beautiful just the same. She was. He still couldn't get out his head the night before. The tiny glimpse he got at the girl underneath all that anger and though façade.

He wanted to know her, found himself attracted to her in a way he hadn't felt towards anyone, not even with Katherine. And look at how that one turned out. He suddenly wished he was home and he could talk to Lexi. His best friend would surely give him some much needed advice. He couldn't understand this Elena Gilbert, but how did he want to.

oOo

"Very well then, now that we've read the poem, we're going to start the actual class. But since you just arrived yesterday, we are going to start off easy. I want you all to use the hour to write a free verse poem. The theme is free, too. Just let your feelings guide you." Elena muffles a laugh, she's pretty sure Jenna was about to say feels and wonders if her teacher has a tumblr blog where she fangirls over things. It's doesn't seem that far off.

"You can confer between each other, talk… none of that "No speaking" nonsense I'm sure you'll notice later, almost all of the other teachers enforce." There's a change in Jenna's voice when she says almost and is that a smile at the corner of her lips? She cant keep wondering who is she thinking of since Jenna quickly says

"I'll leave you to it then." And goes to her desk, opening a book and apparently studying. Still in college then, yeah, still incredibly young to be telling her what to do. But refusing won't get her anywhere.

She realizes she's got nothing to write on and before she can stand up to ask Jenna for a piece of paper, one is placed in front of her along with a pen.

"Noticed you were a bit lacking materials, there." Stefan tells her, a smile on his face and his eyes as bright as ever. Her thank you is caught in her throat and when he notices she won't say anything, he goes back to his chair. Apparently no one notices this exchange, though. Jenna is immersed in her book, the nerdy guy, Melvin is he? Is hunched over his desk, and the redhead girl is both writing and chatting in her Smartphone.

She doesn't even try to write anything. But to avoid anyone coming to talk to her she pretends she is, making little drawings in her page. She stops every once in a while to scratch at her arms, and move her bracelets so they better cover her newest, angry red scar. Jenna stands up what seems like a year later and asks them to start reading what each one wrote.

_Shit._

She grips the pen better with shaking fingers, damn she needs vodka, and starts writing, she's not sure what. She's done just when Jenna calls her name, and when she actually reads what she wrote, Elena suddenly doesn't want to read it out loud. How did she even come up with that?

"Elena…?"

She looks at Jenna's expecting face and stands up, inwardly groaning. Everyone's eyes are on her and a chorus of _shit, shit, shit_, runs through her mind. She reads.

_"My body trembles when the moon  
__Casts its light on my soul and I  
__Think about everyone alive  
__And not count myself among them_

_To be here is to be too close  
__But at the same time, too far_

_My walls are too high  
__To climb and reach behind  
__It doesn't mean I still  
__Won't want you to try"_

"That was very good, Elena. Thank you. See? A free verse poem done in only a moment has the ability to convey your true emotions without the restriction of prose or rhyme. An example…."

Jenna kept talking as people listened intently and she sat back down. What the hell was that? She frowns at the paper and feels someone's eyes on her, when she quickly looks up she catches Stefan's eyes intent on her face and he looks away but not before she could notice. Was the poem about him? She remembers how she used to be, sitting and writing for hours, not noticing the time go by. Pouring her feelings into paper. All her thoughts to ink. Why did she wrote that? What did she felt?

"Well, that's all for today, Il see you again on Friday at 4:00…" Jenna is not done talking when Elena stands up, stamping Stefan's pencil on his desk as she walks out the door. She hasn't given 10 steps when she's intercepted by Stefan.

"Hey, Elena!" She liked how he said her name better than how he recited poetry. She hates him for it.

"What?!" She asks him, harshly. Dude, take a hint. She didn't particularly liked people but she couldn't stand him.

"Jenna told me to give you this, for Bonnie? She says you are in the same floor?"

She was slightly disappointed that he only talked to her because he had to, what is wrong with her?

"Yeah, ok." she takes the paper from his hands "Whatever." She keeps walking without looking back, and doesn't feel Stefan's eyes on her as she leaves. She walks across the lodge and doesn't notice the same petite redhead girl from her class talking to a taller, curly haired brunette. Her headache is too painful to take note of the poison in their words or how they stare a hole in her back while she walks up the stairs. But then again, how could she? All Elena can focus on is on her heart, beating harder against her chest.

* * *

**A/N: So I updated yesterday and today too. That's new. StelenaFANTASIES' all caps review pushed me to get this done. Hope everyone likes**** it, and as always, please review and tell me what you think.**


	12. Help I'm Alive

_Hard to be soft / Tough to be tender_

_._

_._

_._

Stefan walked back to his bedroom, hands in his pocket, his mind on a certain brunette. He couldn't help it, really, thinking about her. How he met her eyes in class today and how her poem felt his own. He thought they were alike, in some way. She wrote about walls.

Oh, how he wished he could have some built around him, too. It seemed easier, closing yourself from people. Shutting off from the world around you. Almost foolproof. It seemed not a single way existed that you could get hurt. But he knew he couldn't do it. It was just who Stefan was. He felt for people, much more than he should. He always cared about everyone else. And that made him the exact opposite of his brother.

Damon was mischievous and strong-willed. From the day he could walk he had a knack for getting into gristly situations. The troublemaker by excellence. Stefan was absolutely different, even as a young boy, everything he said and how he acted reflected his calmness, sensitivity and selflessness.

He took after his mother, and even now, 10 years after she passed away, he missed her like crazy. He had been a child when she got sick, he didn't quite understand the severity of the situation back then. The doctors passed around words like cancer and metastasis, and a 7 year couldn't wrap his mind around them. But he saw his father's red eyes after he exited his mom's bedroom, and only now understood the fake smiles he gave their children, trying to be strong in a situation so hard. He was a silent witness to Damon's struggles. He had been 13 at the time, even more rebellious because of his age. But he listened to their mom, obeyed to her, and when she got sick and then passed away, a part of him was severed as well. Damon was never the same.

He became everything he is now. Damon turned away from his family, fought with their father. Left his little brother behind to fend for himself. And then came the hard years. Stefan grew up in a house full of troubles and fights and screams. He in turn, became quieter. Immersed himself in books and music to stay away from his father and brother's fights. He was the only witness at his father's wedding, 5 years after his mother's death. It wasn't about love; he knows that now, not even infatuation. It was man's desire to outrun loneliness. It didn't got better even after Gina, who would all too often defend Damon and drive his father crazy. More fights ensued in the house.

Then Stefan started high school. Met a blonde girl who hated being called Alexandra, and she became his best and only friend. Lexi helped him through it, was even more of a rock when his father got sick, too. He was weak for a year and bedridden for months before he passed away.

Having reached his bedroom, Stefan sat down on the bed, his head dropping to his hand as his memories kept running through his head. His father's face is fresh on his mind. He misses him so much.

It was his heart, the doctors said. He wonders if it rather was nostalgia. Giuseppe never recovered from his wife's death. Not even after marrying Gina, who couldn't, with all her fake giggles and exaggerated make up, fill the place the kind hearted, green eyed woman that was Stefan and Damon's mother, once occupied. During the last months, his dad was weak; the smallest strain made him light headed. He had to control his mood, had to remain calm. But Damon of course, was a man already, partying, drinking, and bringing girls to the house…the fighting never stopped. Until Giuseppe was too weak to fight with him anymore. His stomach recoils thinking about Damon his last betrayal…his fingers ghost over the scar on his leg. The one he got for calling him out on it.

And then with his father gone, everything bad became worse. And he was barely 15 years old when he took up exercising brutally; pushing his body to the edge in the gym, just so Gina and his brother would stop slapping him around. Stefan was quiet, shy and skinny; his stepmother and brother took a special pleasure in making his life hell and treating him like the boy he used to look like. She did stop that, though.

When he turned 16 he was towering above her and his body was pure muscle, and Gina kept her hands to herself, her words the only things she used to bother him then. Smart move. Because his mother had taught him to never lay a hand on a lady, but his dyed-redhead stepmother hardly filled the requisites.

He would never dare hurt her though, no matter how much she deserved it. It wasn't who he was. Lexi knew this and once promised him that she would punch Gina in the face herself. With Damon the story was different, very few times had they actually got to the point of actually fighting each other, of punching and kicking, but when they did, it was brutal. Bruises marred their bodies and blood was spilled. He did win most times, but how bittersweet it felt.

Because they _were_ brothers once. A long time ago. He was 8 years old the last time his brother hugged him. Maybe 11 the last time he showed he cared about him. And now, Stefan was sure Damon despised him. And he felt he hated him too, no matter how shameful it made him feel. It was like he could feel his mother's eyes looking down on both of them, reproachful like they'd never been while she was alive.

Stefan had thought that the time spent here, at this camp, would take him away from everything. Especially a set of hateful blue eyes. Stefan's hand ghosts over the familiar set of faded scars in his left leg. No matter what, he could never fully leave his brother behind.

* * *

The hallways were quiet as Elena walked through them, heading back to her room. She planned on staying there for the rest of her life. Or at least, until the need for food pushed her out of it. At how her stomach was grumbling, that would be pretty soon. Damn it.

She looked over the note Stefan (damn him, too) had given her. Jenna had scribbled "Bonnie Bennet room 045" in a post it, and then stuck it to the pages of paper with the Whitman poem and the homework. Bonnie Bennet. Elena hated her already, her name sounded stupid. Like something out of some cartoon. Two B's, four N's. Now that was just shady. Or maybe Elena's almost inbred system for rejecting everyone was starting to make her sound crazy.

No, the drugs or rather the lack of them, were already doing that all by themselves. She'd spent the majority of her walk trying not to stumble; her head was throbbing, her arms itching like a thousand fire ants were crawling over them, it was all she could not to scratch herself so hard others would notice. Oh and there was also the annoying conversation with herself, she was losing and it was all Stefan's fault.

_Why do I feel this way when he's around? Where's the logic in that?_

_It's not logical, Elena, its fucking crazy. Like you. He thinks you're crazy._

_I'm not crazy, I'm just not...thinking straight. Right? I'm not crazy._

_Then what the hell is this? You're talking to yourself. You're crazy. _

_I'm not c_razy. _I just need..._

_What? What do you need? Your fucking drugs? Yeah, that's worked out really well for you, hasn't it?_

She didn't answer and instead thought of last night, how she'd been forced to begging to things that weren't even there in the first place. She wouldn't make it out of here sane that was for sure. There was an odd kind of calmness about it though, like you knew you were defeated before you even started the battle and had nothing left to do but give up. Elena wishes she could just give up. But she knew she couldn't.

Jeremy. If it wasn't for him she wouldn't be here still. She hadn't spoken to him since she got here and wondered how he was doing in his own summer camp. She forced herself to stop that missing him crap though, because she felt she could start crying at any second. Damned withdrawals. She tuned out of her thoughts and instead opted to look at the numbers on the rooms she was passing, there were only 4 or 5 per floor, and just before hers, was 045. She was planning on just slipping the note underneath the door but a couple of girls were standing outside, chatting away.

Elena wrapped her arms protectively around herself before approaching them. A tall blonde spoke animatedly to a shorter, curly haired girl. She took a deep breath and stopped next to them.

"Is any of you Bonnie Bennet?" She used the most civil tone of voice she could muster.

"I am, why?" the short girl answered, smiling.

"I umm…the creative writing teacher told me to give you this." She extended the papers and waited for the girl to take them.

"Shoot. It was today?!" She exclaimed.

"Yeah, the class just ended." She said, and was about to walk away.

"Oh well, I'll catch up." She told the other girl "I'm Bonnie, by the way." She extended her hand and Elena took it warily.

"I'm Elena." She said, not even bothering to hide her disdain at social rules like shaking hands.

"And I'm Caroline Forbes." Said the blonde energetically, and moved to hug her leaving Elena wide eyed. She remembered her from their introductory class, miss _can't find an outfit._

"That was it so I'll just…"

"No, wait, stay!" Caroline told her, apparently as happy as 5 year old that made a new friend. Was she on extasis?

"We were just talking about a worker here named Lockwood, Caroline has the hots for him." Bonnie informed Elena, like she could've cared. She resisted her eyes rolling and instead tried to get out of this peacefully.

"I'm sure he's hot but I'm tired so I'll just head to my room."

"Oh sure." Said Bonnie.

"See you later?" Caroline inquired, the 100 watts smile still on her face.

She didn't even bother answering before turning around on her heels and marching to her bedroom. Even 10 steps away she could still hear them and specially Caroline, talking.

"Well that was a bit rude…"

"You heard her, she's just tired."

"Oh, sure. Look, Bonnie, I'm telling you, I'm going to bust my air condition just so he'll come and fix it…"

Elena rolled her eyes, opening her door and stepping inside her safe haven. Wonderfully, blissfully, empty of other humans beings. She dropped to her bed hoping to sleep away her headache, and when had she started sweating? She wanted a hit now more than yesterday, if that was possible. But knowing how she was, for the moment, imprisoned. She forced herself into unconsciousness, until she could go and find dinner. Or maybe something to drink. If possible with a high alcohol content.

* * *

Elena entered the restaurant at 6:00 o' clock, most people were already on tables. A big Buffet in the middle of the room, just like with breakfast. Some people stared at her when she walked in, recognizing her as_ that chick that passed out last night, _but Elena's past the point of caring. She's past the point of anything really. Except of drinking, maybe. But there's no alcohol on sight, like Jenna (who's in a corner with the introductory class teacher) would even let her near it. Want to make God laugh; tell him about your plans, right?

She grabbed a plate from one end of the bar, and walked around the many trays of food. She took the different spoons and moved the food around, nothing catching her eye. In fact, she started to feel a bit squeamish at the sight of so much food. And when the smell of the curry chicken sauce hit her, she actually felt like throwing up. She dropped the spoons and was about to just give up on eating all together when someone talked to her.

_"_Hey." Said someone behind her, and Elena felt her skin tingle and it had nothing to do with sickness and everything to do with _his _voice. She hated her reaction, tried to ignore it but knew it was impossible. She steeled herself before turning around and staring him down.

"Just because Jenna basically forced you to dance with me the other night, doesn't mean you have to keep pretending to like me, you know?" she said, frowning. Still picking at different trays of food she didn't want to eat to distract herself.

"She didn't exactly put a gun at my back...give yourself more credit it was...fun" _She passed out in your arms, good one Stefan, nice choice of words_. He told himself. "I mean…"

"You don't do talking, do you?" Elena asked him, brazenly. He was laughable, she thought. And wished she could believe that.

"I'm not good… at chit chat." He smiled sheepishly at her, and she was tempted to do it too.

"I was." She let escape, and looked down. Elena could remember, looking at everyone gathered here, how she could work a crowd. Have an entire room of people laughing at her words, or invested in everything she said.

"Why don't you try it again?" Stefan said "Take a walk with me?" he asked her, indicating a large French window that opened onto a lawn.

She racked her brain for an excuse, but the restaurant was filled with giggling, shallow idiots. And she lost her appetite and Stefan seemed like the best thing in the room as of right now. So she convinced herself that the man was an escape for a minute, exactly what she wanted. Just a distraction, an experiment of sorts. She truly tried to find an excuse for herself that worked and not just an: _I want to talk to him_. Because she hasn't wanted anything for so long, has only drifted between the _I need to_ and _I can't_ . And both of them involved illicit substances and people no longer here. So she thought _Oh, fuck it _and walked through the doors, Stefan following behind her.

They quietly walked through the trees for a while, finally getting to the lake. The water was illuminated by the last rays of the sun and a cool breeze moved the tree branches. This setting could be deemed romantic. She thought of Tom back home, but that was neither here nor there. They weren't like that and she wouldn't have wanted them to be. In fact they were hardly anything but drugs, and booze and make outs in dirty floors that she's not sure led to anything else, because honestly she can't remember.

But still she wonders how he came into her mind, if not as a comparison to Stefan. It was nonsensical, to even think about him _that_ way. But he was right next to her, so close Elena could feel the heat radiating from his body. And she couldn't help it. The leaves created a rustling sound that served as background for their "chit chat". Which hadn't actually happened yet. They were just walking alongside each other in comfortable silence and it wasn't half bad. She actually relaxed for the first time since she got here, and just concentrated in taking step after step. The sun had finished setting in the horizon when he started talking.

"So, what about your family?"

"My father sent me here." She answered after a while, sitting in down in one of the big rocks at the side of the lake. The disdain was obvious in her voice.

"And your mom?"

"Dead." He noticed the way she said it, trying to appear careless but her eyes filled with sadness. He nodded and sat beside her, close, too close but not enough.

"I think-"

"You do that?" She tried to regain her composure and did the best thing she knew how to do, attack. It was half hearted though, and Stefan dismissed it.

"I think we're more alike than you think." He told her. They'd both lost people near to them, he understood how she felt. The look in her eyes was one he wore for so long. "I know how-" _you feel_, he was going to say, but Elena cut him off.

"You shouldn't compare yourself to others; they are more screwed up than you think." She said. She didn't want to listen to Stefan and his words of comfort. Because with his green eyes and soothing tone of voice, she might just buy it. And she wanted nothing from him at all.

"You are not screwed up." He said, before he could stop himself. The idea was absurd.

"You don't know me." She told him, scowling. She was a disaster. A danger for everyone around her and herself too.

"Why don't you let me?" Stefan asked, looking her in the eyes. His expression was honest and his eyes shined with an understanding she hadn't seen in a long time.

And suddenly Elena didn't have an answer for that.

* * *

**_A/N: I just want to say I'm incredibly happy that we hit 100 reviews. Thank you to everyone who has reviewed, added the story to favorites, and followed it. I wish I could send you cupcakes, guys. _**

**_Keep being nice and leave a review?_**


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